I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
