I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
