Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
