So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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