Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
