In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
