i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
