I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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