you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
