You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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