just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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