I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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