i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
