woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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