I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
