an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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