The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
