you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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