i already hear my dad disowning me
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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