Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I stole a fireplace last night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
