I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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