woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And then the night went full on bisexual.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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