if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
