kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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