I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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