Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
