Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
