im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
