I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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