Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
