so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
