If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
