Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
