dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
