Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
