My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
