its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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