why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
