are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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