I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
