YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
