You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
