you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
