So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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