if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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