I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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