Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
