Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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