I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
