there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
